oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
