I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
