I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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