my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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