my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
