Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
