I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
