Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
