So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
