I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Pants are for mortals
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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