Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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