If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
