Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
