So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Randomize
