I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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