i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
