Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
