i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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