we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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