overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
