respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
