When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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