Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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