I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
