dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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