Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
