There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
