She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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