are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
