yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
