the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
