Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Bring me that man meat
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
