How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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