I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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