did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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