her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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