The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
