i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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