My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
