My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
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