We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Just invented taco cereal.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
