So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Randomize
