Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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