Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
