You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
