soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
