Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
