Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
