Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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