now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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